Lacking control

I struggle a lot with feeling a lack of control. When I feel like a situation has too many variables that are out of my control, I find it much more difficult to engage. I’ll avoid things and places I might enjoy, all because I find the unknown too difficult to deal with. I know it isn’t healthy, but I am realising that it is true.

I will happily travel internationally because I know that I need to catch a train or a plane. Sure, either of these could be delayed, but there’s a process in place if that happens. I have an assigned seat, a specific destination, and so really I have nothing to worry about. It is the same for going to the theatre, or cinema, or to a restaurant on my own. Being alone scares a lot of people, but it isn’t something I worry about. If I go to the theatre, I can ask staff to show me where my seat is, and then I watch the show and have a good time. At a restaurant, I’ll be given a table and then I’m good.

On the other hand, if I go to a local art group, or some sort of social event, will people speak to me? Do I want them to? What if it is really awkward and I don’t know what exactly I should be doing. There are more variables in a situation like this, and much less of a fixed structure and process. I find that almost impossible to deal with.

I would rather fly to another country than ask for assistance at my local supermarket, and I find it utterly maddening. People don’t believe me when I tell them I struggle with this, because how can I have any kind of difficulties if I am so well travelled. But also it infuriates me on a personal level. My day-to-day life can be quite restrictive, and I do find it hard to make friends, because most of the ways I would have made friends feel off limits.

Of course this isn’t a perfect description of the way my brain works. The other week I had tickets to see a concert as part of the BBC proms. I have been to London a lot, I had an assigned seat, and I knew staff at the venue would be helpful. But I still couldn’t make myself do it. So there are definitely times when even the things that have become easy are very challenging. There are days when going out and existing in the world feels almost impossible, and I must withdraw into myself and spend time alone.

I am also a very avoidant person and I have not found a way to help myself with this. There are small changes I have made over the years that have helped, but I probably need a more structured intervention. However, any time I have started any kind of therapy I have rapidly stopped engaging with it. This is on me. There is literally nothing that can be done by anybody else if I do not put the effort in and fully engage with the process. I know this, and yet.