You’ve got to reach out

I’ve taken the chance recently to reach out to a couple of people who I know are living in the area and ask if they’d like to meet up. Much to my surprise, they’ve both said yes. I also received a message from someone on my course asking if I’d like to go for a coffee, and I replied and said I would.

This might not sound like much, but I have a terrible history of avoiding potential friendships. I am extremely anxious. Nobody believes me, because I’ve managed to travel all over the world and do things that others find terrifying. But my anxiety manifests in the small things. I’m embarrassed and nervous to ask people to meet me at a location I know well, fearing that this will put them off wanting to be friends with me. I get worried wondering if they actually know how blind I am, and how that might change the dynamic of things.

I didn’t make many friends as an undergraduate. I had a small group of lovely, wonderful friends who I spent a lot of happy times with. But there were many other people I could have become friends with that I didn’t. I used to think this was all down to people not wanting to be friends with me. I’m blind, why would they. And I think there may be some truth in that. I wouldn’t get invited to clubs or to do things like shopping. I think perhaps people thought I might not enjoy it, or they didn’t even think to ask. But I also never invited people to go for a coffee. I never took the first step to reach out and try and build a friendship, which could have resulted in others knowing I enjoy doing all the things that they do.

This is all compounded by the fact that I’m dreadful at retaining friendships. I have no concept of time, so months can go by, and I realise I haven’t reached out to a friend. I have every intention of replying to the text they sent me, but then I forget and when I realise, I’m embarrassed because so much time has gone by. I’ve written about my attention issues and how they affect me academically, but there is a significant personal cost as well.

When I studied abroad in Colombia I had loads of friends. I went out all the time. I was invited to do things with people, and I had a great time. Were the people there more accepting of me? Perhaps. There was definitely a lovely, welcoming culture that made things easier for me as an international student. But I was the one who took the first steps. I went to a party that first weekend. I showed up at bars, asking if someone wouldn’t mind meeting me at my Uber. I made the effort, and so I met people.

It’s so hard to do this because there is that worry that I’m asking too much of people. It’s inconvenient for them to meet me at a location I’m able to get to, rather than our ultimate destination. There’s a worry that after a while, they will get sick of reading menus to me, or giving me other information. It’s really hard to understand that people might just want to be friends with me, regardless of all of that. I fear that people will be uncomfortable, that it’s my fault. I know that all of this is really destructive and unhelpful but knowing it doesn’t necessarily stop me from feeling it.

But I took the chance. I made the effort, and I feel like that has to count for something. Even if it’s only to tell myself that I can do this. That it’s not always the case that people don’t want to reach out, they may just not know how.