You Have ADHD part 2: Hyperfocus

I’ve always known that I was able to hyperfocus, though it’s only recently I’ve been able to describe it in those terms. When I hyperfocus, I focus on a project, activity, or even person to the exclusion of all else. That thing holds my interest and little else can break through. It usually comes on very suddenly, but just as suddenly I can lose interest completely.

Hyperfocus is often branded an ADHD superpower, but I personally dislike how it is framed. Yes, it can be very useful to suddenly find my attention locked on a piece of academic work that really needs to get done. My work in these bouts of obsessive focus is typically some of my best, and I can do things I wouldn’t be capable of otherwise. I wrote my entire undergraduate dissertation in a couple of days, only leaving the computer when I needed to drink water or go to the bathroom. I’d hardly even read any of the background literature before then. Equally, there’s an argument to be made that while my work is good, perhaps it could be even better if I was able to give it more time. Though that is constrained by my complete inability to do so.

But when I’m not in such a situation, I find it almost impossible to focus on even the most basic of tasks. My inattentiveness is as extreme as my focus can be, and I can waste days doing absolutely nothing, until another project consumes me.

I also can’t choose what I end up focussing on. Sometimes, the pressure of an impending deadline flips a switch in my brain and I find myself consumed by the project that needs to get done. At other times, the deadline is terrifying and I find that I’m obsessively researching various types of butterflies, or learning 30 new chess moves, or reading a book on ancient Roman military strategy. None of these things are very useful when I should be writing an essay, but I can’t draw my attention away from them to work on the things that need doing.

Another issue is that this spills over into my relationships. I can either devote all of my time to a friend, or none of it. I either want to spend all of my time with my partner, and am completely dedicated to our relationship, or not interested at all. I find it hard to sustain my interest in anything, which makes relationships or any kind of commitment really difficult for me.

I’ll obsess about a fictional character, reading every scene they are in over and over again, and then suddenly find that I don’t care about them or the book they are from at all. I’ll decide I’m going to design a new series of blog posts, or produce a video, or advocate on an important issue. I’ll have completed three quarters of the work, take a breath, and find that I simply can’t continue

My emotions are intense. Curiosity, interest, enthusiasm. Misery, exhaustion, apathy. I understand why people say hyperfocus is an ADHD superpower, because it leads to beautiful, productive, creative work. But it also results in neglect and disinterest in the world around you. I end up forgetting to complete so many small but necessary tasks. Once I realise I need to start it all feels too overwhelming and I don’t know where or how to begin. I can’t let life management slip even the tiniest amount. I can’t take a weekend off from being a grown-up, deciding I’ll do that task tomorrow, because once I break the careful routine I’ve constructed it’s almost impossible to organise myself enough to get back to it.

I need routine in order to cope, but it’s also very difficult to stick to. Schedules must be rigid enough to keep me on track, flexible enough to allow for me to explore a sudden new passion. I think people view ADHD as something that results in hyperactivity, only affecting small children. But the reality is it is much more complex than that. It isn’t funny, it isn’t being distracted by shiny objects, or just being a bit forgetful. It can be so destructive and exhausting. I find it hard to talk about the negatives of ADHD without sounding like it’s all bad. Sometimes I’m grateful that my brain is what it is. I’m so passionate and curious. I love life, in all its weird complexity. I don’t think like lots of people do, seemingly able to hop over the boundaries that would constrain the thoughts of others. And I love that, truly there is no better feeling. But I’d also like to be able to make a friend and know I can give them the consistent care and attention they deserve. I’d like to keep on top of basic, easy tasks. I’d like to know what is me, and what is ADHD. What things are me just being lazy or not trying hard enough, and what are things I genuinely can’t help. That in itself is very confusing. What parts of this are my personality and are things I can actively work on, and what bits aren’t?

I don’t have answers. I’m still so new to all of this, stumbling my way through a diagnosis that is confusing and a huge relief all at once. I need people to understand that I’ve always been this person. I didn’t suddenly ‘become ADHD’. It’s always been a part of me, but now I have a way of understanding who I am. And that means I’m probably going to mess up. I’m going to think I can’t control something when I can. Or I’m going to think a particular therapy or medication will “fix” things when it won’t. I’m going to write posts that feel true to my experience now but might not in six months’ time. Perhaps I’ll regret being so open about any of this. I ask that people are patient and kind. But please, tell me to shut up once in a while. And if you can, encourage me to go outside and do something fun. I would welcome it. Not when I have a deadline though!

Other Posts in this Series

• You Have ADHD part 1: Life Before Diagnosis
• You Have ADHD Part 3: Journey to Diagnosis
• You Have ADHD Part 4: Starting Medication