Writing and places to exist

I used to use this blog as a place to put my thoughts. More of a journal, I suppose. With the really private, embarrassing stuff taken out. But I’ve been writing less and less with each year that passes. Part of it is that I seem to be tired almost all the time. But the other part was that I had a professional life as well, and I wasn’t sure how to balance that with the more personal side of my blog. I finally solved it by having two websites. One, a more professional site, is still in development although I have linked to it on the front page of this blog. Then this, my blog. The site that has endured despite multiple personal upheavals.

I understand that not everyone subscribed here cares about my personal feelings. But I think some people do. Those who have been here for a while and who have watched me grow up, in the complicated, back and forth way that we all do. I’m still writing about blindness, and advocacy, and all of that. Because that is a part of me. But if you’re looking for information about speaking engagements etc, then this is not the place for them anymore.

It feels like a huge relief. To have a space where I can write again. To not have to worry if what I’m writing is good enough or important enough. To not worry if it is enough of anything. To just be.

It almost feels like there’s a pressure to make your blog more than it is. You have to have something important and life-changing to say. Something to sell. Something to change the world. What happened to us writing about the little details of our lives. What happened to that smaller, friendlier Internet. I’m not sure if it ever existed. Human beings have a terrible habit of being unfriendly, and perhaps the Internet of ten, twenty years ago only seems nicer because we have moved on from it.

But almost every blog I read is part blog, part business. And I’m not criticising people who do that. It’s what I’ve been trying and failing to do for a while. Until I realised that I hated all of it. If I could separate the two, I could have a little space carved out for myself and who I am, rather than what I can be for others. I don’t think it is terrible to want that.

So that is where I am right now. I am visiting New York soon. I plan on going hiking in Devon in March. I have tickets to go to the theatre, and there are plans I have not yet made but will do soon. Perhaps I will write about some of these. Perhaps I won’t. But at least now I feel that I can.