I’ve always been a strange mix of both extroverted and introverted. I love to travel and ask questions, especially in new places. I’m also quite happy to get up in front of a room full of people and deliver a speech, something that seems to terrify many people. Yet I avoid ordinary tasks, like going to the shops where I need to ask people for assistance, or getting on a bus to visit a new part of town. I’m not sure that introverted is the right way to explain my avoidance of these tasks. Crippling social anxiety might be a better description.
Is this fear linked with being blind? Perhaps. I do think that all of these tasks are different for me as a blind person. Bus timetables are hideously inaccessible as a general rule, and when a bus has no audio announcements, it can be a painful experience to know exactly where I am, even with GPS technology. Going to the shops means speaking to people, it means asking for assistance and then walking around the shop with somebody and never quite knowing how that will go. Almost all the time it’s absolutely fine. So I know that there is no real reason to feel like this. And yet I do.
I thought that intensive blindness rehabilitation training would cure me of this. It was a skills deficit surely, something which could be solved through taking classes. Apparently it wasn’t. I’m not supposed to admit this. I’m supposed to be a “good” blind person. Someone who navigates the world fearlessly and proves that blind people are just like sighted people. I’m not supposed to be scared. Or filled with self-doubt. Or slightly ashamed of my own inability to just get on the fucking bus.
Living through a global pandemic has been a terrible experience for us all and yet there’s a part of me that’s been slightly relieved that I have a legitimate excuse not to do these things. To be clear, I do leave the house. I go to the shop to buy milk, and I get on trains to commute between Leeds and York. But I’m not as busy as I was before. Work events take place online, and up until this point so has my entire degree. I haven’t had to face figuring out where my classes will be because all I’ve needed to do is click a Teams link and I’m there.
With the government introducing new Covid related rules around social gatherings, one of my classes has offered students the opportunity to attend face-to-face seminars. It is optional and they are also providing an online alternative. The easy choice would have been to stay in the online group. But would it have been good for me? I immediately found out how to join the face-to-face group, and without asking myself too many questions I emailed the timetabling team to be switched. I have committed to this now so it’s something I absolutely have to do. Not that they wouldn’t switch me back if I asked, because I’m sure they would. But it’s something I have promised myself I’ll do and so I must.
I know I’m going to enjoy it when I get there. I love university. Despite an extremely complicated first semester I think the degree I’m studying is extremely interesting. I’ve always enjoyed sitting in lectures and seminars once I’m there. It’s the getting there part that I don’t enjoy.
Of course because the universe likes to laugh at me, the building where this class is held is the furthest possible building from where I am. I’m going to have to navigate my way through campus in order to find it. I have training to do this. So tomorrow I will head out most likely in the rain with someone who has the thankless task of teaching me how to get to the class. They will have figured out a logical route for me in advance, because blind people use slightly different methods of navigating when we travel. There are no campus maps for me, only landmarks and whatever my own brain manages to retain.
For all I’m an anxious mess I’m actually a decent traveller. I know that if I do get lost, and it is highly possible I will, I have the skills and the common sense to get myself out of that situation. Next Thursday when I actually have the class I will set off early and use my sensible brain and not panic. Ok, I might panic a little bit. But somehow I’ll find my way there. I will have been shown the way and I know that if I need to ask people, I can.
Anxiety and fear and all of these things are different for everyone. I’m not suggesting that everyone should grab hold of their fears and look them in the face. My strategies work for me, but they might not for somebody else. All I know is that there are so many things in my life I’ve done despite feeling anxious, and I’ve usually absolutely loved them. There are also many, many things I avoided and I will never know if I would have had a good time or not. Ultimately, I can make the choice to do something and either not enjoy it, or fail. But it’s better than not doing it at all. Living under lockdown has been vital to keep us all safe, but if I’m going to be a person who gets to live and do things and have all of the experiences I want, I have to make the choices that aren’t so easy, but will be better for me in the end. And so maybe I’m not entirely fearful. Maybe the fact that I choose to do these things, even if they feel so difficult does make me fearless.
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hey
I loved this post as always!
I’m an introvert.. was before the pandemic too.. but now I’m more anxious.. may be it isn’t the correct word to say it… may be I’m just worried, I honestly don’t know 🙂
its strange how your life is rather different from mine but somewhere or the other I can still relate to you.. and its really comforting when you pen these personal posts. so, thank you so much 🙂
really sorry I’m rambling 🙂
I’ve experienced some of this even under normal circumstances. The way I’ve battled it is to give myself little challenges off and on to ensure I am not locking myself into a box of my own making. For example, it would be easy to say I will never go up to the cafeteria in my office building, because with the pandemic, there are less people going in there and therefore less likely to find help finding what I need in the coolers and such. Or, it would be too easy to say I will not go out for lunch, because finding the restaurant could be a pain in the butt or finding the counter once I’m inside could be a pain in the butt. Almost without fail, doing a task helps me feel better about doing the task afterward. I find it better to challenge myself when things are calm, on random days, because we think better through these hang-ups when we are not under pressure to do things flawlessly. Then, when we are put on the spot, we perform better, because we can draw from that boost of confidence we generated when challenging ourselves under less stress. I hope that made sense.
I think that’s very true. Like you, I find that taking small steps in a lower pressure situation is helpful.