It’s Okay to be My Authentic Self

I’ve been blogging for almost ten years. Writing that down feels a bit scary, especially because I’m not sure how much I have to show for it. I started this blog because I was a confused, unhappy seventeen-year-old. It was fuelled by teen angst and the need for other people to understand just what I was going through. Needless to say, you won’t find my earliest posts on here anymore.

This blog has also gone through several dramatic changes over the years. There was a period of time when I focussed heavily on producing resources for the blind community. Then there was the book blogging phase. I’ve always struggled with direction and consistency. In many ways, this site reflects my life and the ways in which I find to reinvent myself every few years.

The truth is though I’ve often blogged for other people. At the back of my mind, I’m always concerned that if I write too much about books, the blind community will lose interest. If I write about blindness, people who come here for book reviews will get bored. If I talk about activism I’ll discourage people who aren’t interested in activist spaces. I’ve tried to be everything for everyone, and in the end, I’m nothing.

I wish I’d known that I don’t owe anyone the content they want. This is a space I’ve built, and I can write about the things that bring me joy. I can write about books, or blindness, or dogs. Yes, I want this to be a professional space, it’s where people find me and my work. But at the end of the day I’m a human being and I am more than the work I do. In some ways, seventeen-year-old me had the right idea. I didn’t care back then whether I was giving the community exactly what they wanted. I wrote about the things that were on my mind, and if people read it and responded, that was exciting.

It’s so easy when you’re very active online to get consumed by targets and the expectations of various communities. Are you reading the right books? have you been invited to speak at enough events? Did you comment on the latest blindness community controversy? If you didn’t, why not, and are you really relevant anymore? Are your posts academic enough? Fun enough? Too basic?

Blogging has felt like a chore for a while because I’m always worried that I’m not going to live up to anyone’s expectations, especially my own. If I write a fun post I’m disappointed in myself, concerned that my content won’t be taken seriously enough. If I write a detailed critique of an organisation I fear that people will think I’m too combative and I’ll miss out on opportunities that the more fun bloggers get.

The whole thing is ridiculous. Ultimately the community doesn’t pay my bills, and I don’t actually owe anyone specific content. Yes, I hope that what I write can help someone, somewhere. But I’m not a blog post machine, generating content on demand. I’m a human being with varied interests and if there’s anywhere I should be able to celebrate these, it’s this blog. If I’m not the most popular blogger in the blind community does it really matter? No, it doesn’t. I have friends who care about me. Me, the whole person. Not the imagined figure behind the words on this page. I really hate influencer culture, and yet I’ve felt the pressure to conform to it. Conforming is bullshit and I’m bored of wasting time, worrying that the things I write won’t be enough.