Guest Post: Top Ten Things Sighted People Never Tell Us About Kissing

This post was submitted to the blog by Caitlin Hernandez.

As a totally blind high schooler, I read every online “How To Kiss” article I could find. I lived in terror that, one day, I’d find myself with a partner and they’d laugh, the way my peers often laughed at my choreography.
Articles assume, not just that both kissers are sighted, but that we’ve observed kissing in movies and in life and understand the mechanics. Not so … at least, not for this blind girl.
I’m no expert—far from it—and this article isn’t a set of “How To Kiss” instructions. My goal is simply to pull the (sighted) wool off our (blind) eyes. These aren’t rules to follow; rather, they’re interesting facts that surprised me.

A Reminder Before We Begin: The most important thing to keep in mind about kissing is that everyone’s different. The best thing you can possibly do is to communicate honestly and kindly with your partners, about both your preferences and theirs. Talk together, and pay attention to the way your partner kisses and the way they react to your kisses.

1. Eye Contact NOT Required!
   When I was a teen, consent wasn’t all the rage like it (awesomely!) is now. Pretty much all the articles I read included trash like, “The only way to know if someone wants to kiss you is to look deeply into their eyes” or “The way they look at you indicates whether or not they want to kiss you.” Utter nonsense.
   Luckily, in this day and age, we know that “consent is sexy.” You know someone wants to kiss you because you ask them. Consent helps both blind and sighted folks, but it’s arguably especially important in a relationship where one partner’s blind and the other’s sighted. A caring sighted partner won’t ever just run at you and attack your face … at least, not until they know for sure that you’re into that.
   Yes—a lot can be communicated with eye contact and visual cues. But all those things can be communicated verbally. Once you’ve moved past the initial “May I kiss you?” phase, you can nonverbally touch a shoulder, cup a cheek, or hug first, to cue that you’re requesting a kiss. The verbal and nonverbal flavors of consent are limitless (and sexy), and eye contact need not be one of them.

2. The Mysterious Head-Tilt!
   Nowhere, in any of the innumerable articles I read, was the head-tilt explained or even really mentioned. I’d heard about it, but I thought it was a coquettish, flirtatious sighted thing, like a knowing wink or a cocky eyebrow-raise. And of course I’d read that you needed to be careful not to bump noses … but I thought that was just for the initial lean-in and required only a tiny tilt.
   Here’s the actual situation: you can’t kiss unless both kissers’ heads are tilted in opposite directions.
   If you’re able, take one hand and press the pad of its index finger against the pad of its thumb. This is a pretend-mouth, where the index finger is the top lip and the thumb is the bottom. Make the same “mouth” with your other hand. Now, bring your hands together, so that the nail-tip of your left index finger touches the nail-tip of your right index finger. Try grabbing onto the fingers of your left hand with the fingers of your right. You can’t … at least, not well, not easily.
   Now, rotate your wrists so the tips of one hand’s fingers grasp the sides of the other hand’s fingers. The “mouths” attach seamlessly! Lips are like that.
   That’s why we must tilt! We have to be able to attach.

3. Face To Face
   This is one of those elements of kissing that books totally lied to me about. Characters always seem to be kissing while sitting side by side: on couches, beds, garden benches, whatever. This isn’t actually doable, unless we’re talking about a quick peck. Even when lying down, unless you’re lying face to face across a pillow, someone’s head needs to be up. In other words, one person needs to be propped up on an elbow, or you need to be lying on top of each other, face to face.
   With heads tilted, of course.

4. Don’t Steer
   I dreaded the inevitable clonking of heads, smashing of teeth, or accidental kiss to someone’s nose or chin. If sighted people had these mishaps, I figured I’d have them ten times as often. As with many things, though, this typically isn’t an issue.
   Early in my (admittedly few) kissing experiences, I invented what I thought was a tender way to avoid injury. I’d place a hand against my person’s cheek or cup their chin, gently leading them in to the kiss. Turns out that (A) some people don’t especially like this, and (B) it isn’t even necessary.
   Most times, even if you’re just listening, you won’t collide with someone when you slowly lean in. If you’re nervous about making first contact, or want to be extra-certain or extra-snuggly, you can begin by nestling your cheek against theirs, then turn your head for the kiss. You can also brush their face with closed lips, then slide your mouth to theirs, either leaving your lips closed or dropping little kisses along the way.

5. All About Those Lips
   Articles like to tell you to vary the pressure of your kisses: light and gentle for casual contact, more firm if you want to up the intensity. Many “experts” advise sticking to shallow, light kisses if you want to keep things slow, which I took to mean that kissing more intensely was helpful in indicating enthusiastic consent.
   Here’s the thing: you never need to push so hard that you move the other person’s head backward. The intensity needs to come from your lips and tongue, not from your neck.
   How-tos also harp a lot about relaxing. I thought puckering your lips would indicate tension or resistance. Apparently not. For lip-to-lip kissing, keeping your lips completely soft and loose actually isn’t helpful. You need some pucker to make noticeable contact.

6. Mouse Trap
   Articles go on ad nauseum about the perils of sticking your tongue down your partner’s gullet. Subsequently, I thought the best compensation was to only let the very tipity-tip of your tongue give your partner’s tongue-tip little mousy licks. Nope.
   With your partner’s eager, enthusiastic consent, open your mouth wide (see number 8, below) and play with each other’s tongues. Don’t just poke the tip of your tongue out the middle of your mouth; part your lips, let your tongue be loose and light, and move it into your partner’s mouth (with consent!).

7. Don’t Get Tongue-Tied
   Kissing connoisseurs never seem to explain what you actually do with your tongue. Maybe—probably—there are pictures.
   Keep in mind that tongues are super strong. You generally don’t want to be aggressive—intertwining tongues is easier when you dance rather than wrestle—but don’t just let it sit in your partner’s mouth. Some folks like to play their tongue along their partner’s teeth and gums, so that ought to be an indicator of how far in you can go (if both parties are okay with it, obviously).
   Situations in which you might try increased tongue pressure include teasing your partner’s lips, or sandwiching one of their lips between yours. In other words, when not tongue on tongue, a little more firmness can be ideal.

8. Open Wide!
   In college, during a Truth Or Dare game, a girl friend laughed and affectionately commented, when I kissed her, “Your mouth is so small!” Another, after we kissed, hugged me and said, “Aw, you don’t know how to kiss.”
   Far from being hurt (well, okay, maybe I was a little hurt), I appreciated their honesty. So often, non-disabled folks choose not to tell disabled folks when we’re doing something, quote, “wrong.” They assume we’re doing our best, and that the kindest thing is to accept our attempt as “good enough.”
   About a decade later, I think I figured out what my two friends were getting at. I was so leery of unintentionally slobbering on my partner, or of seeming overzealous in the way I opened my mouth, that I parted my lips only enough to let the tip of my tongue peek from between them.
   Oops.
   It may sound gross, but, as my partner explained it, “Think CPR.” Your mouth needs to open. Like, your jaw needs to be involved. That kind of open mouth.
   Remember the head-tilt? This is where the attachment really happens. Your lips need to cover your partner’s.
   Apparently in an attempt to frighten me further, my partner explained, “When you see intense kisses in movies, the people look like they’re eating each other’s faces. Like they want their person so much that you’re trying to, you know, absorb them.”
   Half-amazed, half-horrified, I asked, “Like the dementor’s kiss?”
   “Yes,” she said eagerly, “like that. Literally sharing the same breath in your mouths.”
   Of course, if you and your partner prefer it, you can kiss more shallowly, more gently. But consider trying the dementor’s kiss! You may love it!
   Just don’t forget to pause between kisses. Yes, you need to open wide and make a seal, but don’t superglue your mouths!

9. “Be Still”
   My partner and I say “Be still” instead of “Relax” or “Calm down.” Telling people to relax and calm down is the opposite of helpful, generally.
   This tip benefits everyone, but it’s especially for the blind folks who, like me, are anxious, and/or are survivors of sexual assault.
   Even with someone you trust, even with someone you’ve kissed often, you might find yourself tensing up or getting “stuck.” It happens to lots of people for lots of different reasons. Eye contact isn’t the end-all-be-all, but I do think it’s the go-to way for sighted partners to pause and quickly reconnect. So we need to find accessible substitutes, particularly if one of the two partners tends to dissociate during intimacy.
   For some, stopping to exchange a few words during a kiss may keep you grounded in the safety of you and your person, together, in this shared moment. This doesn’t, by any means, need to be an entire conversation. “I like this,” “Can we try x, y, or z?” or “Does this feel good for you?” are some examples of quick co-regulation/consent combo packs.
   For me, nonsexual touch is just as helpful, if not more so, than spoken connections. A hand-touch, back-rub, arm-stroke, or shoulder-squeeze goes a long way to reminding your partner to slow down, breathe, and bask in the moment. Touch can have the added bonus of prompting a sometimes-anxious partner to relax their face (a caress on the cheek), end the kiss (transitioning the kiss into a hug), or pause (gently stroking their head while guiding their head onto your shoulder for a break).
   As a parenthetical aside, may I just remind y’all that kissing need not be a lead-in to sex? People forget that kissing all on its own is enjoyable and loving.

10. Practice!
    Kissing is fun to practice when you’re with the right person. Be honest, always remembering to be kind. Tell your partner what you appreciate about their care and their kissing, not just what you wish they’d work on improving.
    A fun way to share feedback is by playing Follow The Leader. Person A can say, “I like to be kissed like this,” then model a single style or segment of kissing. Person B copies, after which Person A can clarify or polish, if necessary. Then it’s Person B’s turn to demonstrate a kissing facet they like. Keep it fun, light, and compassionate.

Bonus Laugh: In high school, I famously wrote, in an allegedly romantic story, “They kissed, gazing into each other’s eyes.” My best friend, after she finished laughing, informed me that this was not a thing. Sighted folks close their eyes while kissing! They may break off to gaze into each other’s eyes periodically, but apparently, if you opened your eyes while kissing, you’d go cross-eyed or something.

Happy kissing, one and all!

Caitlin Hernandez writes books for and about queer and disabled young folks, and has twice attended Lambda Literary’s writing retreat for emerging LGBTQQIA voices. A full-time special education teacher by day, she spends her free time seeking out epic books, ice cream, and rainbow-colored things. You can read her often overlong missives on Facebook at https://facebook.com/amordemialma