Cry over your research and then get over it

Today I cried over a research proposal. Truly I am living the very glamorous life of a postgraduate student. The research proposal is for an applied project that I’m completing in place of a dissertation for my master’s degree, and when I received the feedback on it all I could do was cry.

Truthfully it wasn’t terrible. The grade, whilst not what I might have hoped for, wasn’t awful. And there were plenty of encouraging remarks. I had a good grasp of existing literature. I understood issues around food insecurity, the history and context of food insecurity in the UK, and how food insecurity impacts different groups.

But my methodology was a bit of a mess. The structure of some sections could have been more organised. I could have justified some of my methods better. There was a lot I should have done that I didn’t, and the comments reflected that.

My instinctive reaction was to cry. Research is personal. It’s not like a job where you get given a task and complete it. Research takes something from you and that is why you do it, at least that’s partly why I do it. The reward is in the creation of a project and all the things you might discover. I study not because I hope it will help me get a higher paying job but because I love knowledge. I’m also a perfectionist. I’ve been crying over my grades since I started getting them. I remember sobbing over the A I received in a maths GCSE paper because I’d so hoped to get an A*. It all feels so deep and so personal, which is both a very good thing and something that I need to also be realistic about.

So I let myself have a cry. I reached out to a friend who’s also a postgrad because I knew she’d understand my pain. And then I took a mental step back and looked at every comment I’d received. I asked myself if they were fair and reasonable. Yes, they absolutely were. I also asked myself why I’m here. To learn and grow. Can I do either of those things if people don’t push me to be a better student and researcher? No, I can’t.

Ultimately this feedback is going to help me, not only to produce a better piece of research but to write stronger proposals in future. It confirmed my feelings that I need to strengthen my skills in the area of research methods and to take more time and care when I’m writing.

My immediate reaction was to beat myself up and convince myself that this meant I would never get accepted to a PhD programme because why would I if I couldn’t even write a decent proposal. But that kind of thinking is totally ridiculous and unhelpful. I couldn’t have written a proposal like this when I started my undergraduate degree. I’ve grown as a writer and researcher over the years and it’s foolish to think I should have peaked by now. I still have so much to learn and part of that means taking on board feedback in order to be better, but also giving myself the space to make some mistakes.

I think this is a positive thing. I’m not at university for people to tell me I’m perfect, and so the fact that I’m being given such detailed feedback shows that those around me want me to learn and grow. They’re reading what I write and they are offering me guidance so that I might strengthen my work. It’s definitely harder to read this feedback than it is to chat over an essay in person. It all feels so clinical and empty, whereas conversations are nuanced and exciting. This feedback never stops though. When you write journal articles you expect them to be reviewed. You expect people to pick them apart and question your methods and results. Isn’t that why we do it? So that we are challenged to think beyond the boundaries of our existing knowledge and expand what we know.

Yesterday I had a lovely conversation with a professor who is teaching on one of the modules I’m taking. We discussed an essay I’m planning to write and the possible directions I might take. Our conversation inspired me to think about areas of the topic that I hadn’t even considered before. Tomorrow I’m scheduled to chat with another professor about her research and my plans for a PhD. My project supervisor has had a number of conversations with me and has been so kind and supportive. Truly it’s such a gift to be in an environment like this where people will give up their time to discuss theoretical concepts and encourage me to pursue my interests. Receiving assignment feedback is a very specific kind of pain, but it’s so worth it because I am able to learn so much.