Change

I’ve been thinking about how much has changed since I started writing this blog 14 years ago. Sometimes the name of the blog makes me cringe, because I was so much younger when I came up with it. Yet by now, people know it as my blog, and changing it seems like far more effort than it’s worth. Many of the early posts I published have disappeared, because there is only so much of my teenage self I can stand to have publicly available. Of course nothing can ever really be deleted, but I certainly don’t have to advertise it.

My goals have definitely changed. This blog exists as a way I can share my thoughts with anyone who might find them interesting. At one time, I wanted to use it to build a career, but these days that feels far less important. Writing is something I enjoy, and being able to write in a way that feels authentic and free from the pressures of having to represent anyone else is something I value.

I’ve experimented with the design of the site over the years. I tried various email newsletters, and several years ago, when switching between one and another managed to lose all of my subscribers. Having this blog has definitely allowed me to try new things and make a whole lot of mistakes. I am considering scaling things back. Moving back to a wordpress blog that isn’t self-hosted. Bringing the domain name with me so the blog will have the same web address, but I will have less control over how things actually work on it. I don’t have grand plans anymore, and so the less work this all is, the better. That’s where I am now, less interested in figuring out what I can do with the site, and more interested in the writing.

Change is such an interesting thing. It’s so natural and yet often we find it really uncomfortable. I find change very difficult however I also seem to seek it out, unable to stay in one place for too long. I’m at a point where several aspects of my life feel like they could do with a change. I have a job that pays the bills, but I’m not sure how much progression there will be for me unless I suddenly develop an interest in a management role. I’d like to move closer to more of my friends so I could see them more often, but that would also mean leaving behind the people I do have here. There are personal projects that have been pushed to the side for now because I don’t have the time for them, and I need to decide what, if anything, I am willing to give up so I do have time.

It’s funny, because these are the kind of decisions I would never have imagined having to make when I started writing this blog for the first time. I was 17, I hadn’t even started thinking about my career or where I would live. I wonder what I would have thought of the life I’m living now if I’d known. I’d have probably been disappointed at my complete lack of a dating life, though presently I have no desire to change it. I would also have been disappointed with the career I have; it’s nowhere near as exciting as 17-year-old me would have hoped for. Yet I know how much it has taken me to get here. How often I have had to scrape the remains of my mind together to find any motivation inside. How difficult the last few years have been, for all kinds of reasons, and what it has taken me to come through it all and build a life that despite my current questions, I am happy with.