In that last week before my mum died, I wrote little notes. I don’t know why. Maybe it was a way of working through the horror that was unfolding around me. Maybe it was because writing is all I’ve ever reached for in the most challenging moments of my life. Maybe it was because by…
Author: Connor Scott-Gardner
Anger is unproductive, but I’m angry anyway
Like most people, I’ve been watching the Conservative party leadership contest with interest. I want to stay informed. I want to care about this country and what will happen to it. I am also so very tired of politics. Not just this contest, but all of it. I am tired of this dreadful, ugly world….
The things I’ve lost
There is loss in transition. Sometimes I feel like I should not speak these words, or type them, or put them to paper. I know that if I do, they will be used against myself and others. There are people waiting, circling like vultures, desperate for any sign that we regret who we are and…
Grief is not a race to be won
It will soon be eight months since my mum died. It will soon be six months since my retired guide dog died. I count the months without even meaning to, but the way I feel grief has changed in the time that has gone by. In a way it is less raw. But describing it…
The Twenties Grief Club
There is a group of people stuck in a kind of limbo. Not quite grown-up, not quite a child. It’s a criticism that has been levelled at many people in their twenties in recent years. We aren’t responsible enough. We rely too much on our parents. But what about those of us who have lost…
Can I Touch the World?
When you’re sighted, there is so much to see. I know this sounds obvious when it’s written like this, but for many people it’s just something they take for granted. Words are everywhere. Photos are everywhere. They can see animals they’ve never interacted with by looking at pictures in books or watching shows about them…
You Have ADHD Part 4: Starting Medication
In my last post, where I talked about getting an ADHD diagnosis, I mentioned that I would be starting medication soon. I’ve now been on the medication for 6 weeks or so, though it’s difficult to keep track of the time so I can’t be exactly sure. I’ve noticed a few changes. Before I get…
Finding my Way Through the Years
I started to write this blog eleven years ago, when I was coming to the end of a tumultuous first year in a mainstream sixth form, after spending the first five years of secondary school at a blind school. I had recently turned seventeen and was filled with insecurities. I had high hopes for my…
What Does it Mean to Forge a Body? Autonomy through Disability Cures and Gender Transition
I’ve always resisted the idea of a cure for my blindness. I’ve been asked about it plenty of times, shrugging off the possibility with an “it won’t happen for ages,” or “I’m just not interested,” when asked about it in person. My writing has delved even further into my feelings. How it makes me anxious,…
You Have ADHD Part 3: Journey to Diagnosis
I’ve talked about what life was like before my diagnosis, and the specific experience of hyperfocus as someone with ADHD, but I haven’t yet written about how I got a diagnosis of ADHD. I was lucky that getting a diagnosis wasn’t hugely difficult, whereas it can be for some people. Like many things, it depends…